Ever since I believed in Adonai and His
beloved Son Yeshua; ever since I began following after Him… ever since I fell
for the first time and tried to get back up –I never stopped asking Him: ‘was
it worth it? Your life for mine –was it really worth it? The moment You traded
Your life for mine, You got stuck with me… and now you actually get to see just
how ungrateful I am… do You still think this is really all worth it? Are those scars
that mark You for all eternity for my sake, really worth it?’
I wouldn’t consider asking Him these questions when I praise
Him, or when I am in my ‘super-spiritual mode’ because I have a pretty good opinion
about myself then, but when I find myself flat on my face after yet another
fall, or when I catch myself feeling better than another believer that means the world to Him,
or when I dwell in pride thinking I am so great and taking credit for something
that I would have never been able to do in the first place were it not for Him…
when I actually comprehend my own sinful condition, I can’t help but ask Him
those questions.
Knowing from the beginning that I’d be like this, He still
went willingly to His death. Knowing that my ‘good deeds’ that I often think of
as great sacrifices for His sake will bring Him little comfort, He still
sacrificed it all. Knowing that my love will never measure up to His, He still
loved me all the way. And knowing that my scars are mostly self inflicted and
are there to remind Him only that I loved another more than Him, He still
allowed it to be scarred for all eternity for me.
He didn’t have to endure just death for my sake. No. He
actually gets to suffer all my selfishness with which I pursue my dreams. He
gets to see all my ungratefulness whenever I look at what He’s doing and deem
it lacking. I force Him to defend His beloved ones against me. I cause His
tears every chance I get and never stop to wipe them away. I cry my eyes out
that I love Him and yet I fail to show it when it counts. I break His heart at
every turn and don’t even stop to ask if it’s hurting. I am so not worth it!
He’s in an abusive relationship with me, yet He doesn’t seek
to free Himself from me. I abuse His love and His forgiveness and His
understanding and His grace and act like He’ll be fine, but when God forbid,
things don’t go my way I act as if I am the one abused or hurt and expect Him
to redeem every tear I cry and every ounce of pain I feel.
When Christians talk about the GOOD NEWS of the Gospel, they
present it as a relationship, but more often than not, it’s me praying enough
or singing enough or doing enough so that He will do what I want Him to do. If
I’d have that sort of relationship with anyone else, I’d cut whatever tied me
to that person and run as fast as my legs can carry me. Yet somehow, I think
that He should be happy in this pathetic excuse of a relationship that I offer
and He never complains. He always rises from the ashes and all I do is make Him
burn.
When I was younger and thought I knew
better, I use to tell people about how much I loved Him and tried to inspire
others to love Him the same way. Now that I am a little older and realize I
know close to nothing, I can only tell people of how much He loves me and hope
they get to realize how loved they are as well.
I know I am loved beyond all reason
even if Adonai has tested all my beautiful words and all my carefully spoken
declarations. He allowed me to go up to the heavens to see He’s there. He
allowed me to make my bed in the depths and left me lingering there for as long
as I wanted just to see He’s there as well. He allowed me to hide myself in the
darkness thinking that it will hide me from Him, but His light has reached me
even there. I’ve been back and forth, up and down only to see at the end of it
all, that He’s still there. He made me stand on my own feet when all I wanted
to do was fall to my knees. He made it His mission to unlock the potential
within me. He lifted my head when all I wanted was to bow it. He lifted my
hands towards the havens while they were still broken. He taught me how to
smile my joy and how to hurt through my pain. He strengthened my very core so
that I could withstand any enemy. He doesn’t know how to love but with
everything He’s got and that’s how He loves me.
A few weeks back I heard someone saying
in a most passionate manner ‘I love God and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do
for Him!’ I only smiled and so I was asked ‘don’t you?’ I kept silent and the
believer kept talking as to convince me that if we love God we should declare
that love so that people will know. I saw a younger version of myself in that
person and so I said ‘I hope that you will always feel that way even after He
is done testing all those beautiful words but mostly I pray that when He’s done
with you, you’ll know not how much you love Him, but how much He loves you!’
That’s what I pray for all those that
will read this article. That at the end of whatever it is you’re going through
you will as Paul said “have the power, together
with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep
is the love of Christ”.
Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה
my book 'The King's daughter' here.
